3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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