My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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