I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
