That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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