It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
