when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
