I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Randomize
