found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
