....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
