so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
