well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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