I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize