You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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