She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize