Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
