WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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