a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
This house was built for laser tag.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
