Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
