In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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