It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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