So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
