You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
