I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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