Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
The air taste purple.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
