Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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