i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
foreskin is a definite game changer
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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