he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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