if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
