why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
