Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
