So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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