I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Let's paint friendship bongs
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
