I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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