I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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