Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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