i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Your penis caused this!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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