yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
bring money and cleavage
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
