I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
