Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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