Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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