someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
