we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
