Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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