Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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