Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
