Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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