The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
