I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
