conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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