You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
