so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
