I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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