Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
