Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
