so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
