dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
