All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
