Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
