I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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