I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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