I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
