the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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