Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
