so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
All I want is dick and wine.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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